BPOV
“Jasper Whitlock! I swear to God I will kick your ass if you don’t get out of my kitchen now!”
Idiot!
Why the hell was he in here bothering me anyway? He knows I hate it when he gets in my space with out my permission, no sex for him tonight. Well....maybe not that drastic.
I could hear Emmett’s loud voice coming from the bar. “I'd get outta there if I were you man. She punches hard, don’t let that tiny frame fool you.”
I felt Jasper snake his arms around me from behind, his breath on my neck. “I love you Bella,” and then he was gone.
Fuck!
Now my evening was ruined.
Dammit!
I had let it slide the first time he said it cause he was drunk, but not this time. Damn! And he had been such a good lay, why did he have to ruin it with his love crap?
I do not allow people to love me anymore- period.
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It had been five years since I had allowed anyone to love me, I remember well the last time a man had told me he loved me, it was actually a happy memory. My husband at the time was huddled in the corner, crying like little girl, begging me for his life, telling me how much he loved me, swearing to me he would change and then I shot the fucker. I could feel the satisfied grin spread across my face at the memory of him bleeding on the floor. Everything I used to be died the night I shot my husband, and good riddance. That Bella needed to die. How could I have let him beat me for three years?
I felt the familiar burn of anger as it bubbled under the surface, anger at him, anger at my parents, but mostly anger at myself.
The only piece that remained of my former life was my education. I had been trained as a chef and am now the head chef at Elite, one of the hottest weekend spots in Seattle.
-----
It had been another packed night. Thank God we were only open three days a week.
Now I needed to unwind-first stop-the bar.
I collapsed on a stool near where Emmett was still tending a few stragglers. “Hey Bells, you want your usual?” “You better make it a double tonight Em.”
Emmett crooked an eyebrow at me as he poured me two shots of vodka. I threw one back immediately , relishing in the warmth that began to spread through my body.
“You gonna tell me what happened?” Emmett asked.
“Jasper told me loved me.”
Shock spread across Emmett’s features. “What the hell did he do that for?”
“I don’t know.” And I really didn’t. We had good thing going, he knew what I expected of him and he complied with my wishes- until now.
“Hey. cheer up baby, you’ll find a new fuck buddy.” I just rolled my eyes at Emmett, he was so ridiculous.
-----
My navy blue mustang roars into the parking lot of the hotel and into the valet line.
I step from my car, flipping my keys to the valet, barely pausing to take my valet ticket as I walk into the lobby.
My stride is all business, no feeling, I don’t allow myself that.
I only feel one emotion now anger.
I should never have kept Jasper around as long as I did, but he is just so hot and easy going, I couldn’t help myself.
I knew Jasper would be here tonight, we always meet here on Saturday night and I was relieved to see that he wasn't in the bar, I didn’t want to waste time with talk.
----
I burst into my usual suite like a tornado, pulling my clothes off as I walk. “Whitlock! Pants off- NOW!”
I’m pleased to see he is already on the bed waiting for me, more then ready.
I impale myself on him, riding him hard till we both cum and are exhausted.
I remove myself from him immediately, I never allow a man to hold me and there was no point in delaying the inevitable.
I dress quickly and tell Jasper to follow me to the living room.
I pour a drink and stand swirling it in my glass. “ We have to talk Jasper.”
His face tells me he is expecting these words from me. “ We won’t be meeting here anymore” I tell him.
His hazel eyes flood with emotion, “I know and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it, but that doesn’t make it untrue.”
My jaw is clenched in anger as I speak, “You shouldn’t be wasting your love on me, give it to someone who will return it. I don’t have that ability.”
He gives me a small hopeful smile before speaking, “Can we still be friends?”
“Of course Jasper.”
-----
I’m in a reminiscent mood as I speed across town to my apartment. I think back to the life I used to have, the Bella I used to be. She wouldn’t recognize the woman I am now, my passion for cooking is the only thing that remains of my old life. I remember well the first day I realized I wanted to be a chef. I was fourteen and I had spent the summer in France with my parents. I loved the food in France and was completely obsessed with learning fine cooking. I begged and begged my parents to pay for me to go to culinary school after prep school. They weren’t happy about it, they wanted me to be a lawyer or something, something better for their high society friends. To them, being a chef was like being a servant, not something well bred, well educated ladies did. I stuck to my convictions though and continued to pester them for the next year, finally convincing my mother by telling her I could be the next Martha Stewart. I started culinary school at eighteen and I loved it! I loved the experimenting , I loved the creating. I think that was the last time I was truly happy.
----
I am relieved to be back at my place and gladly slip into my shower, washing Jasper off me for the last time. I hope for a dreamless sleep as I climb into bed, it has been a while since my last nightmare and I hope they stay away again tonight.
----
I love that my life has a very predictable routine.
Sunday is my brunch day, every Sunday I have brunch with my friends Felix and Demetri. They are the sweetest couple.
Felix is enthusiastic as always when he opens the door to me standing on the stoop.
“Darling! You look hideous! What happened to you last night? Oh my God! Are those scones? Come on, get your self in here you crazy bitch!”
All I can do is smile at the barrage of questions Felix threw at me, he has so much zest for life, it is infectious.
Felix and Demetri are so comfortable to be around, it is amazing how quickly I have become friends with them. Felix works at the restaurant with me, he is the seating host. He is the sweetest man ever, you can’t help but like him, it is easy to see why Demetri loves him.
Demetri welcomes me in his quiet manner, embracing me lightly and ushers me into their vibrantly colorful kitchen.
I love these Sunday afternoons, it is so relaxing to be the one sitting at the table and not the one cooking. Normally I don’t like being doted on by men, but Felix and Demetri are more like overbearing aunts, fussing over me, giving me advise, I don’t mind.
-----
Monday is my boxing day. I love the physical release that comes from punching something as hard as I can.
"Bella baby, you ready to get started?"
"Always Emmett, always."
Emmett is my boxing buddy and he is the perfect one for me. He is so much bigger then me that I can lash out all my anger on him and it barely even phases him.
I'm so glad that I met Emmett, we had met in the laundry room of our building where he was trying to torture a load of clothes. I had offered to give him a hand and we were fast friends. It was through Emmett that I found my job, his adopted mother, Esme, owned the restaurant I was now head chef at.
There was never anything sexual between us, he is more like the big brother I don't have. I really feel that I can tell him almost anything, he is one of the few people that that know about my past and still want to be my friend. There aren't a lot of people out there who want to be friends with a woman who had been in a nut house.
My muscles are rejoicing in the burning contractions as I swing at Emmett, my gloved fist making contact with his rock hard abs.
"How did things go with Jasper?"
We don't miss a step, bobbing and weaving as we talk.
"Don't worry I didn't damage your best friend, we're cool."
Emmett's booming laugh echos off the walls, "No worries baby, he's a big boy, he'll find someone new. We need to find you a new boy toy though."
I continue my punching as I talk. " I don't know Em, I'm not feeling in the mood to be looking right now. Besides, I'm picky...sometimes it's more trouble then it's worth."
Emmett circles and my punch grazes past his chest, damn he is light on his feet for such a big guy.
"So you ever gonna hook me up with one of your friends or just leave me with my own company all the time?" I roll my eyes at him.
He had been trying for months to get me to set him up with my friend Rose, he had only heard about her, but he was very interested.
"Hmmm, I suppose I can see if Rose is interested, what do I get in return?"
Emmett's face lights up, I can almost see him mentally flipping through his friends, thinking of someone he can set me up with. "I could hook you up with one of my boys, I can think of several..."
I cut him off abruptly. "No way am I hooking up with any more of your boys! Riley was a complete idiot, he was like a damn puppy, practically humping my leg in the bar. And hello- look what happened with Jasper. Maybe I should take a break from men or something."
Emmett stops and he is grinning devilishly at me. "So are you gonna start batting for the other team?" I roll my eyes again.
"In your dreams McCarty." I give him one last punch and head to the locker room.
"Please, please video tape it if you make the switch!" I ignore him, flashing him the bird before I push the locker room door open.
-----
Tuesday is my least favorite day of the week, I hate the fact that I have to go to this damn anger management class, talking didn't help, beating the shit out of things helps.
I do like my adviser though, she is cool.
She never pushes me to hard, even though she only knows the very basics of why I'm so angry. She knows my ex-husband had been abusive, but she didn't know how bad it had gotten.
I feel calm today and it is easier for me to talk when I'm calm. I spot Rose as soon as I walk into the room. She spots me at the same time and begins her slow glide toward me, her face is kind as she approaches and I see the genuine concern on her face.
"Hey Bella, how are you doing this week?" I answered as honestly as I can. "I think I'm pretty good this week.
"We head over to a couple comfy chairs to start our session. "Tell me about your week." Rose looks at me expectantly, her expression is emotionless, she gives nothing away.
"Well, I spent last Wednesday with Alice, we got our nails done. Of course Thursday, Friday and Saturday I was at work..
"Rose cut me off, "Did you see Jasper on Saturday night?"
I had been hoping to avoid this, Rose didn't approve of my dating habits. "Yes." My voice is a low growl.
"Are you still sleeping with him?" I can't help the smile crossing my face. "We never quite get around to the sleeping part." Rose rolls her eyes and ignores my comment.
"How do you feel about Jasper?" I hate talking about my feelings.
"Nothing Rose, I feel nothing for him."
Rose's blank demeanor slips and she is talking like my friend now. "What the hell Bella! How can you have sex with someone for three months and say you feel nothing for them."
This line of questioning is really beginning to annoy me.
"I just don't Rose, but if it makes you feel better I won't be having sex with him anymore."
I can tell that she is surprised by this news and cocks an eyebrow at me, waiting for my answer.
"He told me he loved me." I throw the words out there like they are something smelly and rotten and I want them as far from me as possible.
"And you are still unwilling to let someone love you?"
"Yes." I can feel my ire building, like slow moving flames.
"Why?"
I can hear the hiss and pop of the flames in my mind as my temper increases.
"You know why Rose."
She puts on her patient voice, like she is talking to a child, I hate that voice.
"You need to say it again Bella so you can deal with your feelings."
This is always the worst part of the sessions, being forced along a cliff of anger, desperately clinging to the edge of the abyss of sanity, praying I don't fall in.
"Every proclamation of love I have ever received has come with conditions or pain, my ability to love was beaten out of me, how the fuck can I trust anyone again Rose! HOW!? How can I trust myself?"
I'm shaking by this point, the flames of fury are coursing through my mind. I can barely see or hear or think.
Rose is calling me back to sanity
"Breathe Bella, just breathe." Her words are calm and soothing, helping me douse the flames, pulling me back from the edge.
Her voice is whisper soft now. "It's okay if you want to cry Bella, you know that right?" I acknowledge her words, but I do not allow myself tears. Crying is for the weak, I prefer to cling to my anger, it makes me feel in control.
A few more deep breaths, in...out...in...out, the air washing through me, cooling the flames.
"I'm good Rose, no need for any water works."
Rose is serious when she looks at me, her blue eyes piercing my brown ones, "You're going to need to give into the tears at some point Bella. Crying it out will help you in a way that all the boxing in the world can't, trust me, I know. Crying doesn't make you weak, it takes a strong person to admit to being hurt and betrayed by people that loved them. You don't have to do it alone though, I'm here whenever you are ready."
We dropped it for now and I told her about the rest of my week. She didn't ask any more about my feelings and I kept my anger under control.
As soon as my session was over Rose my friend reappeared, we didn't have the typical relationship that most people did with their advisors. we had quickly become friends after the first time I met her. We had a lot in common, both having been abused and betrayed by those we loved, though she is way ahead of me in being able to deal with and talk about her anger issues.
"So, you dating anyone right now Rose?" "You know I'm not Bella, why?"
"I was wondering if you would let me introduce you to a friend of mine."
Rose smiles at me. "Is he nice?" she asks.
"No, he's actually the devil. Yes, of course he's nice. I've told you about him before."
She looks a bit wary. "Oh God, it's not Jasper is it?"
I roll my eyes at her, "No retard, not Jasper, Emmett, my boxing partner."
Her smile lights up her face and she almost looks like teenager. "Really? From everything you've told me about him, he sounds great."
I just smile back at her and loop my arm through hers, "Come on, let's go get lunch."
-----
Wednesday is always a good day. I spend almost every Wednesday with Alice.
Alice is the tiny little whirlwind of a woman that owns the boutique across the street from the restaurant. She is a regular at our bar and you just can't help but like her, even if she annoys you into liking her.
We always do something very girly and today is no exception.
Alice is dragging me with her while she gets her tongue pierced. "Bella, won't you please reconsider getting something pierced?"
"I don't know Alice. I don't know if that's me."
"Please Bella, please, please, please! Do it for me! You would look so cute with a ring or something through the corner of your bottom lip."
I looked at her with doubt, but I know she can see my will fading.
How could someone so small bend the will of everyone they encountered.
Alice is a force of nature, like a tsunami, she could move anything.
Much to Alice's delight I decide on a small silver barbel in the left lower corner of my mouth. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would and Alice was right, I do look cute.
I hate it when Alice is right, which is most of the time.
-----
Thursday is turning out to be a great day. Jasper is being really cool about everything, which makes me really happy cause Emmett would have been pissed if I had made things weird with his best friend.
Before I know it, it's Saturday night again, well actually, it's 2:30 am on Sunday and I'm sitting at the bar watching Emmett and Jasper cleaning up after a long night. I always enjoy hearing their banter after three crazy nights at the restaurant.
I sigh in satisfaction, content in my routine, ready for another week in my tightly controlled world.
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